Episode 272 - 

Hey everybody and welcome back to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host Zach Spafford and I'm so glad you're here. You might be a returning listener or you might be joining us for the first time. This is the place where I love to talk about Empowerment and growth and building a life that aligns with your values.

So today we're diving into a topic that is not just a game changer. It's foundational for long term success. We're talking about psychological flexibility.

Now that might sound like a weird technical term for just psychologists, but I don't want you to worry. I'm going to break it down for you and I'm going to show you how this skill can help you in some of the most challenging moments of your journey, especially when it comes to overcoming struggles with pornography.

So, Why is psychological flexibility so important?

Well, life is full of challenges. It's full of discomfort. There are times when we face setbacks, feel overwhelmed by emotions, or just get caught up in negative thoughts.

Psychological flexibility is what allows us to pause, adapt, and choose actions that align with who we really want to be. Even when that path isn't easy.

And here's the key, this isn't just about avoiding mistakes or saying no to temptation. It's about staying true to your deeper values, even when things feel hard.

When we develop psychological flexibility, we gain the ability to respond to life's challenges in a way that supports our growth and long term goals.

Now let's connect this with the work that we do here on Thrive Beyond Pornography.

You're here because you have struggled with unwanted pornography use, or you might know someone who has.

You also probably know how easy it is to get stuck in a cycle of shame or feel like change is impossible. But psychological flexibility offers a way out of that cycle. It's a tool that helps you approach each moment with curiosity, and not judgment.

It lets you step back, take stock and make choices that reflect your values instead of reacting to temporary urges or emotions.

Today, we're going to unpack what psychological flexibility looks like, why it's so powerful and most importantly, how you can start building it into your life right now.

So let's get into that.

Let's start by defining what psychological flexibility is.

It is the ability to stay present, adapt to changing circumstances, and take action that aligns with your values even in the face of discomfort or challenges. Here's why that matters. This is about enhancing your ability to make decisions in difficult moments , and it also encourages resilience and growth when those setbacks occur.

What we're doing when we are creating psychological flexibility is we're growing our ability to deal with the difficult. This is very different than white knuckling. This is very different than willpower. This is very different than motivation, which is what a lot of us have been taught to use when it comes to dealing with our pornography struggles.

Instead, what we're creating is a muscle that we can flex and exercise and grow. To use in those difficult moments in a habitual, automatic way that aligns with our values.

So as we're talking about psychological flexibility, one of the things that you need to know what we're dealing with is rigidity and rigid thinking. This is the kind of thinking hat's all or nothing. It's a mindset or a feeling that traps us by our negative narratives.

When I think about rigid thinking and flexible thinking, I think about the story of Louis Zamperini. You've probably heard his story at some point in your life. There was a movie and a book called Unbroken. The book was amazing. The movie was great.

In that real life story, Louis and his World War II bomber crewmates crash into the ocean, the Pacific Ocean, and they are stranded on a raft. Only three of the men survived to make it to the raft and one of those men is Mac. And Mac is consumed by fear and hopelessness. On their raft, they have a limited supply of chocolate and Mac sees it as their only chance for survival.

However, unable to think beyond his own immediate hunger and fear, he secretly in the night eats all of the chocolate in a panic. This is rigid thinking blinds him to the consequences and it leaves the entire crew, the remainder of the crew without resources and a worsening situation.

Rigid thinking shows up in examples like, "I failed," or "I'll never succeed," or "we're going to die." Those are some of the examples that you might have of rigid thinking. Whereas flexible thinking is adapted to the situation and it sees setbacks as opportunities to learn.

So, In the very same boat, you have another man, Louis Zamperini, the man who wrote the story, and despite the dire circumstances, he kept his composure, and instead of panicking, he adapts to the situation. He focuses on rationing what they have left after He finds out that Mac ate all of the chocolate, and he found alternative ways to survive, like catching fish and collecting rainwater.

His flexible thinking allows him to problem solve and [00:05:00] inspire hope in, in those of us who've read the story, and To help carry the other crew members as far as they can go. Now, of course, if you know the story, uh, you know, spoiler alert, Mac dies. And I think in part, that was a component of his rigid thinking. Now, of course it was a very difficult situation and an extraordinary story.

So I cannot blame all of it on that, but you can see in that particular story, you can see the juxtaposition of rigid thinking and flexible thinking.

And this juxtaposition is one that you can use as you look at your own struggle to resolve your pornography issues.

On the one hand, you might be thinking, I'm never going to succeed. I am always failing. I'm terrible at this. Or you can look at it and say, "what can I learn from this? How can I resolve this?

How can I look at the problem in front of me and adapt and grow from that and use it as a moment where I can see myself more clearly?"

So one of the ways that we can create and grow our psychological flexibility is to use the three core processes that Russ Harris developed based on acceptance and commitment therapy.

Number one. Open up. This process combines acceptance and cognitive diffusion. And here, We work on being open to the thoughts and emotions that we have without avoiding, resisting, or being fused to them. When I say being fused to them, it's like, "I believe this and it's true and I am going to go along wherever this thought takes me."

That's what being fused to your thoughts looks like.

And instead of struggling against uncomfortable experiences, we work to learn to allow them to exist without letting them dominate our behavior. Notice what's happening. And be conscious of what your brain's offering you without letting it be you.

Having thoughts isn't the same as believing those thoughts, and so being open just means accepting the reality of what our brain offers without necessarily being taken by that thought or those thought processes along on the path that it usually takes us.

The second thing is to be present. This combines being in contact with the present moment and seeing yourself as the context of what's going on. And this emphasizes mindfulness and awareness of the present moment.

Being aware of where we are and what we're doing, what's going on around us, how we feel, and what is connecting us to the world, to ourselves, to the people in our lives.

So what you want to do in this space is cultivate the ability to observe your own experiences, the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that you have, without judgment, while also recognizing that those things Those thoughts, feelings, and sensations are more than how they feel to you and more than how you are experiencing them right now.

So what you need to do is allow them, right? Just let them exist. Let that thought come, let that feeling exist. Let that sensation be without needing to do anything about it. Most people are action oriented. If we get a thought or a feeling or a sensation, we are driven to toward action.

Part of being present is not necessarily acting on everything that your brain offers you as a thought, feeling, or sensation. And then the other thing you want to do there is ask questions so you can see yourself and your thoughts more clearly. Be aware of them.

As you're experiencing them, see them the kind of the same way that you would see a wildlife film. You're watching it, you're observing it, you're participating as an observer while you're also existing within the context of that wildlife film. I know that sounds a bit meta, I know it sounds a bit woo, but as you think about it, what you're really Working to accomplish there is instead of following your brain off on every little tangent that it goes on, staying calm and centered and present.

That's really what it is.

The next thing you want to do is do what matters. And this integrates your values and committed action, which means you're focusing on identifying what truly matters to you and then taking committed actions that are aligned with those values, even in the faces of challenge. And even in the faces of discomfort.

So one of the ways that you can do this is to breathe and be kind to yourself. You can move toward the things that matter to you and you can move toward the things that are part of your values.

One of the most important things In this combination is that you do these things in concert. You can't just go do what matters without getting present. You can't really be present without opening up your mind and opening up yourself to the experience of being with yourself instead of avoiding or resisting or being fused with your thoughts.

This is really important because. A lot of people have been told and taught, "Hey, just, uh, you know, go, go take a walk or distract yourself or keep busy." If what you're doing is distracting yourself for keeping busy, which seems to fit into that do what matters category without getting present and opening up, then you're probably going to continue to struggle. Because what you're [00:10:00] actually engaging in is motivation and willpower.

And as long as you're using motivation and willpower, it's a finite tool that will run out eventually. You've probably experienced that. So just understand that you cannot do, you won't succeed in this process without doing all three of these together. And that's really the muscle you're trying to build.

So let's talk about how psychological flexibility supports your long term success. Number one, it reduces shame and blame. Instead of beating yourself up for a slip, you analyze it, you learn from it, and you move forward. It also encourages persistence. Adaptable thinking allows for adjustments in your approach without abandoning your goals.

If you think about Louis Zamperini, Everything he had to do on that raft and everything he had to do as he went through the hardship of being a World War II prisoner of war, was to adapt to what was going on in the moment. That psychological flexibility served him extremely well.

Another thing that psychological flexibility does for you is it strengthens relationships. This is a place where psychological flexibility enhances our ability to openly communicate and live based on our values, which creates deeper connections with others.

And the last thing that I'm going to offer you here, psychological flexibility adds to your capacity to be resilient, you can handle setbacks without losing sight of your long term vision. Think of all the setbacks that happened in unbroken. You can see how every single time something went wrong, Louis came back.

He was stronger and he was capable of handling whatever was thrown at him.

So what are some of the ways that you can actually practically build psychological flexibility? So we talked about a couple, as we looked at the three core processes of psychological flexibility, but I want to give you a couple more.

Number one is mindfulness. You can spend five minutes each day focusing on your breath or body sensations when you're in the moment of maybe a temptation or something that you're struggling with. I like to do what's called the One Minute Meditation. And what that is, is you simply connect with each part of your body, starting at your toes, all the way up to the top of your head, checking in, moving them, seeing how they feel, being present with them, and then moving to the next one.

It shouldn't take much more than a minute. So you can do, those are two very good ways of using mindfulness as a way to connect with yourself in the present moment. Another is to reflect on your values. One of the things that you can do every single day is to write your core values and review them so you can stay grounded.

And when I say write, write your core values, what are the things that are the most important to you? I like to talk about this in terms of the five most important things in my life. My wife, myself, my family, My children, my God, and my work. Those five things are the most important things in my life. If it doesn't fit into those five things, it probably doesn't fit into my life.

And as such, those keep me grounded in working towards doing the things that are most valuable to me.

Next thing you can do is practice cognitive diffusion exercises. In my course, I have a number of these cognitive diffusion exercises that are extremely valuable for the clients that I work with.

From leaves on a stream to trains on a track and everything in between. What you want to do is practice a diffusion exercise by repeating it daily so that you become extremely familiar with it to the point where it can be brought up in a moment's notice without a lot of work.

Another diffusion exercise is to repeat an uncomfortable thought out loud until it loses its power. You know, you've probably, you've probably had or heard a kid say something over and over and over again to, your great annoyance, but that is a great way to make a word or an idea or a phrase lose its power.

So those are some great diffusion exercises that help build psychological flexibility.

Let me tell you about Jake. When Jake first came to me, he was a pretty hardworking guy. He was successful in his career, devoted to his family. He carried a quiet weight on his shoulders. He told me that he felt trapped in a cycle that didn't align with the person that he wanted to be, and late at night when the house was quiet, he would regularly turn to pornography.

Not because he wanted to, but because it felt like the only way to numb the stress and the tension in his day.

Each time he was left with a sinking feeling of guilt and disconnection. During one of our sessions Jake said something to me that stuck.

He said, "I want to be the kind of man my kids can look up to, the kind of husband my wife deserves, but I keep letting myself down." And I think that was one of the most important moments for him.

It was the moment I knew he was really ready to grow.

So what we did is we worked on identifying what mattered most to Jake, his family, his integrity, his desire to live with purpose. And I told him, "every time temptation comes, you have a choice. It's not about being perfect. It's about using those moments to step closer to the man you want to be."

A few weeks later, Jake texted me, and it was pretty late at night, I was up, Darcy and I'd say up pretty late usually. And the message read, "it's happening again, the urge is strong, what do I do?" And I happened to have some time, so [00:15:00] I texted him back, I said, take a breath. What are you feeling right now?

But when he did respond, he was honest, he said, "I'm stressed, I had a tough day at work and I feel like I'm failing at everything.

This is just easier." So that's what his brain's offering. "This is just easier." So I told him. "That makes sense. Stress is heavy. And sometimes it feels like running from it is the only option. What if instead of running, you just paused? You take a deep breath, you ask yourself,

What kind of man do I want to be in this moment?" Now Jake took that to heart. He texts back, he said, "I want to be a man who doesn't let his emotions control him. I want to honor my wife and kids." And I encouraged him. I said, "That's the guy you actually are, Jake. That's who you really are. Now, what's one thing that you can do right now To calm down and move closer to being that guy in real life."

So he thought about it, he said, " I'm going to use leaves on a stream. And once I'm calmed down, I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to clear my head and then I'm going to write down what's bothering me and get some rest."

I didn't hear back from him the rest of the night. The next day, Jake checked in again and he said, "last night was the first time I didn't give in in a long time.

I chose differently. It wasn't easy, but I feel better today than I have in a while. And I don't feel like I'm fighting the urge to to keep it at bay."

And I think that's really important because a lot of times, what I find is that when people are really struggling and instead of using these diffusion techniques and getting centered and staying calm and then moving towards their values, they just try to distract themselves.

They will tend to have this feeling that they're trying to keep something at bay for the rest of the day, or maybe into the next day. And sometimes for even a week, they go like this.

So that was a pretty good turning point for Jake. He started to see those moments of temptations. Not as failures waiting to happen, but as opportunities to grow.

And over time, those small choices added up and he became more present with his family, more confident in himself and more aligned with the man he wanted to be. And I'll never forget Jake's journey. He taught me as much as I taught him in that growth isn't about perfection. It's about showing up. Even when it's hard and choosing your values over impulses.

All right, before we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with a challenge, something practical, and you can take and apply this to your life this week. Here it is. Choose one psychological flexibility practice that we talked about today and give it a try.

Maybe it's taking five minutes each morning to practice mindfulness, staying present with your breath, or the sounds around you, or maybe it's writing down your core values and reflecting on them at the start or the end of your day. If you're feeling adventurous, you can even try a diffusion technique, like repeating an uncomfortable thought out loud until it starts to lose its grip on you.

Whatever you choose, make it simple, And manageable. The goal again is not to be perfect. It's to start building this skill one small step at a time. And here's the second part of the challenge. At the end of the week, take a moment to reflect, ask yourself, how did practicing psychological flexibility impact my ability to stay aligned with my values?

Did it help me respond differently to challenges or difficult emotions? And this kind of reflection is where the real growth happens. It's not just about doing the exercise. It's about noticing the difference that they make in your life.

And I'd love to hear how it goes for you. If you try this out, send me a message on Instagram @thrivebeyondporxography, where the N in pornography is an X. Or email me at zach@zachspafford. com. Let me know what you choose, what you noticed and what you learned.

I might even share some of your insights in future episodes. Remember, small steps add up to big changes and every moment is an opportunity to align your actions with your values. You've got this.

So let's quickly recap the key points we covered. Psychological flexibility is a cornerstone for long term success and living a life rooted in your values. It's the ability to stay present, adapt to challenges, and take meaningful action, even when things get tough. And, here's the important part, it's not about being perfect.

It's about being adaptable and persistent. Learning from each moment and continuing to move forward, no matter how small the step may feel. If you have questions about today's episode, or if there's a topic you'd like me to explore in a future episode I'd love to hear from you.

Your feedback and your stories are what keep me going.

Don't hesitate to reach out. And thank you for spending the time with me today. And until next time, remember, growth comes from within, and every moment is an opportunity to Thrive Beyond Pornography. All right, my friends, I'll talk to you next week.