Episode 268 - The Only Way Out is Through: Embracing Discomfort for Real Growth

Hey everybody, welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford.

Today I want to talk about the only way out is through and really this is about learning to stay with discomfort.

So this weekend, uh, a friend of mine, Tony, from two dads at a rope, we took a group rappelling in the Red Cliffs Reserve, which is just about, uh, 20 minutes from my house. And if you've ever been on a cliff edge, you know that. That can feel a little bit uncomfortable. Your heart might race, your body gets tense, you know, your brain shouts, Hey, stop, pay attention.

We're going to die here, right? But the thing is, there's only one way out. When you are rappelling through a canyon, there's really only one way out. When you make that first move, You often are committed and you have to move through the fear, you have to move through the canyon, you have to move, downhill and you can't distract yourself when you're dangling from a rope in the middle of a, of a canyon and say, I can't, I can't do this.

That's often where a lot of really great growth happens.

So today we're going to talk about what it means to stay with discomfort, especially when escaping isn't an option. And I think a lot of you who are struggling with pornography. You are, have been telling yourself for a lot of years, I can't keep doing this.

There, it's not an option to continue down this path. And so I want to. Have this conversation in that context, and we'll explore how real growth happens, not by avoiding fear, but by becoming comfortable with it and acting in a way that is in line with our values in the face of it. So this principle applies, I think, in all areas of our life, but whether you're working on other challenges or relationship struggles, or just talking about pornography, I think this is going to be a helpful conversation for you.

So let's start with understanding that discomfort is not the enemy. Fear is totally natural. It's biological response designed to protect us. In many cases, it kicks in even when we're not in real danger. In situations like repelling or facing tough emotions, our instinct is to either flee or fight or freeze.

Those are the three things that most people do in the face of overwhelming discomfort. Our brain actually uses that as a Tipping point, a trigger, if you will, to seek out a solution. So that might be distracting yourself. That might be, uh, taking a nap that might be hunkering down, whatever it is that you do in the face of negative feelings, even fear.

This is something that you can use to understand your brain and start to just get some clarity on what's actually going on.

And understand discomfort is not the enemy. It's a signal that we're on the edge of growth. It's a signal that we can expand our capacity. And, in the case of being on the actual edge of an actual cliff, it's a signal to pay attention to what you're doing as you take the next step.

And if we learn to stay with it, if we learn to stay present in the face of that fear, it can actually take us to a new level of strength and self awareness. So at the top of the cliff, we were probably about four rappels in, and I was at the top of this very steep drop. It was about 120 foot drop.

And the tie in point was not close to what I would consider a very safe vantage. It was about four feet across a very thin, slightly sloped ledge. And as I'm, as I was trying to clip in, I was going to go down first and belay the folks that were coming down after me. I was probably more afraid than I had been in a long time standing on that cliff edge.

I had never done this particular route before, so it was new to me. I had never clipped in in on this spot before, and all I had to do was reach out about three feet. And grab this rope and pull it in so I could clip in. It was very scary to me. And as I'm standing there, I'm thinking, well, what if, what if I slip?

What if I fall? What if the rope fails? Right? I very rarely worry about the rope, but these are all the things that kind of run through your mind, especially when you're at the top of a cliff and the urge to back away, I mean, it was really strong. It was, it was me saying, okay, I have. One choice. I'm in the middle of this rappel.

I'm in the middle of this canyon. I have this group of five people. I have the other guide that's with me, Tony, and I have one choice. I can reach out there and grab this rope, pull it in and hook into my belay device or I can just sit here and do nothing. So here I am in the face of that fear. And I want you to understand once you lean into that discomfort and you say, listen, it's not going to feel better.

I all, what I need to do is take steps that align with my values. Keep me safe. [00:05:00] You realize once you can do that, that you can be stronger, even in the face of fear and discomfort. And I want you to understand a lot of us, we think that distractions are going to help us. In these moments, uh, when it comes to really, you know, pornography in particular, but the discomfort of a, of a stressful day, the discomfort of, um, an unco a dirty house, the discomfort of kids who aren't behaving in a way that you think they ought to, all of those kinds of discomforts, we oftentimes try to distract ourselves from them.

And I want you to understand, There are reasons why distraction won't help. When you're halfway down a rappel, you can't just stop and opt out. When you're halfway down a canyon, you can't just be like, Alright, send in the helicopters, come and get me. I mean, you can, but it's gonna be expensive. The only way to really reach the bottom and safety is to keep going one step at a time.

This is the same principle that we, that we can apply to discomfort in other areas of our life and understand that avoidance, like using pornography or other coping strategies, offers only temporary relief. But it doesn't help us grow, it doesn't help us become the person that we want to be. Sitting with discomfort in everyday life is a key essential part to quoting porn in the past.

And that really means understanding your feelings and seeing them clearly so that you can deal with them openly and honestly. Just like repelling forces you to stay in the moment, emotional discomfort like loneliness or boredom or stress Offers us an opportunity to engage in that same presence of mind, being present in the moment.

When an urge arises, your brain is often offering you a quick escape. Hey, let's just check out a bit. Let's just go scroll for a minute. Let's just, this is the escape offer that I often talk about when I talk about the detour cycle. Let's just go ahead and do it. Do X. I deserve a break, whatever that looks like.

But if you keep going and you step through that discomfort and you lean into it instead of running from it, you can build strength and mastery. So how do we do that? Start by understanding that fear doesn't control your actions. It doesn't control what you do. It only offers you a heightened sense of awareness.

And the key isn't to eliminate fear because I don't think you can, I don't think you can eliminate fear. I, you know, I have repelled hundreds of times and every single time I get out on that rope, there is a measure of fear, a measure of fear, and It, you know, my wife would tell you that I'm somewhat fearless when I do these things, but I'm not.

I simply have a sense that I can handle how I feel. And when we understand that we can't eliminate fear, then we understand that our only option is to act while still feeling through that discomfort of fear. When we work through fear and discomfort, it loses its grip on us. And we realize that fear is just part of the experience and it doesn't dictate what we do or why we do it.

So the fear of repelling for me, at least doesn't go away, but I learned to breathe through it and keep moving. And that is what a lot of the clients, you know, we had five guests on our repelling. That's what they learned to do. And that's where the growth happened. Each of those clients discovered that they could feel the fear and still take action.

In the same way, discomfort of urges or emotional stress can feel overwhelming, but it still doesn't have to control your choices. You can feel discomfort, you can acknowledge it, and you can still choose to act according to your values. This is what acceptance and commitment training does.

This is what mindfulness does for you in the face of these urges. The next time an urge arises, start by, you could use NAB, which we've talked about on the podcast, and just say, hey, this is a discomfort. I can stay with it. I'm noticing it and I'm naming it. I feel uncomfortable because I'm afraid.

I feel uncomfortable because my brain is telling me a story about how this is very scary. And I don't have to act. According to that, I can act according to how I want to move forward. That's how you build real power. When you learn to respond intentionally and not reactively. Meaning you are intentionally choosing how to move forward rather than reacting to feelings in that fight, flight or freeze framework..

So let me give you a couple of practical tools for staying with discomfort. Number one, understand I can't control how I feel, but I can control how I act. It's important to recognize you do not have to like what you're feeling in order to act in alignment with your values. Emotions come and go.

So generally speaking, emotions are about a 90 second situation within your body. It's a 90 second, uh, chemical response within your body. Now, if you're hanging on a rope and it's scary, you know, the story might come up over and over and over again. So you're going to feel that maybe a little bit longer than 90 seconds, but in [00:10:00] general, each individual feeling has that basic framework of time. Uh, when fear shows up, say while you're repelling and you can't turn it off, but you can acknowledge it, you can breathe, you can step off the ledge anyway and trust in your equipment. That fear is there, but it doesn't have to control you and you don't have to let it control you.

Similarly, when emotional discomfort or urges arise, like the pull towards pornography, that offer and that desire to stop feeling terrible, whether it's, you know, you're avoiding stress or loneliness or boredom, whatever it is, you don't have to act on that. You can just acknowledge it and say,

"Hey, I'm feeling this urge.

I don't have to respond to it. I get to decide what happens next. I'm not going to distract myself from this feeling, but I am going to be present with it and I'm going to acknowledge that it exists while also proactively deciding how do I want to move forward as this, as I move through this feeling."

The other thing that you can do is use your breath to stay grounded. When discomfort shows up, Breathe deeply and slowly. Breath helps you stay connected to the moment, just like you need to stay present while descending that cliff face. Instead of panicking, you breathe, you stay present, you check your gear, and you take the next step.

Focusing on the present moment helps you be comfortable.

Helps you assess your capacity. And the direction you want to go when your mind starts to race, whether with fear on the edge of a cliff or at, or with an urge at home, bring your attention back to right now. A lot of times I hear people say, well, you know, I get this urge and then I know if I fight it, I'm just going to be fighting it all day and I'm going to have to fight with it until I finally give in.

Stay right here. Stay right now. Notice the sensations in your body, your feet on the floor, the air around you, the tension in your muscles. Say to yourself, "this is what's happening right now." And I can be here with it. Staying here in that present moment allows you to make a decision for right now, without worrying about what your brain is going to offer you later.

Another way that you can deal with. Discomfort is to reframe it. Disco, discomfort isn't a sign that you're failing. That urge to view pornography is not a sign that you're bad. It's not a sign that you actually even want to look at pornography. It's a sign that there's something going on that you aren't addressing.

And so you're stretching into some new territory and you want to reframe that. And when I'm uncomfortable, "when I feel fear, I'm doing something meaningful," not "when I feel fear. Everything is going to end, like the world's gonna, I'm gonna die, right?" When I feel fear, "I'm gonna die" is rare in today's day and age,

When you're uncomfortable, reframe it into something meaningful, lean into it, trust that that growth is going to come on the other side. And don't forget, you don't have to take a huge leap.

I think you've probably all seen somebody rappelling at some point, and they just like zip down that line, they kick off the wall, and they zip down that line like 30 40 feet at a time. You don't have to go that fast. Just like rappelling, the way through discomfort is to start taking one step right after another, and you don't have to think about the entire descent, you don't have to You know, move even 10 feet at a time.

You can take one small step at a time. Just the next step. That's the only step you have to worry about. And the same goes for emotional challenges or urges. Stay with it. Stay focused and be present and only focus on the next step. What do I want to do that aligns with my values once I get to a calm, centered place?

Rather than, how do I rush into the next thing and distract myself from this urge or from this negative feeling?

The truth is that growth really does live on the other side of discomfort.

One of my, one of my coaching mentors often said, discomfort is the currency of success and the most memorable experiences, the ones that truly change us, they often come from moments when we've pushed through fear and discomfort, whether that's repelling, having tough conversations with your spouse, breaking old habits, the joy and fulfillment That come after we've worked through fear is immense.

And your goal isn't to avoid fear or discomfort. It's to learn, to move through it and trust that you'll come out stronger on the other side. Discomfort may never go away completely, but the more you work through it, the more you'll trust yourself that you can handle it. That's what self confidence looks like.

So the next time discomfort shows up, whether it's fear, whether it's an emotional challenge, whether it's an urge, remember, the only way out is through.

Breathe, take the next step, and trust that growth is waiting on the other side. And to do that, you can use the tools like The Detour Cycle, like NAB, like all of the mindfulness tools that you learn here on the podcast.

here's what I want you to do this week is I want you to find one moment this week to stay in discomfort.[00:15:00]

Maybe it's having that conversation that you've been avoiding.

Maybe it's staying present with an urge rather than distracting yourself. And it might just be sitting with a difficult emotion.

See what happens when you take the step to stay present with it and then proactively once you get calm and centered, move towards your values.

Remember, fear and discomfort aren't the end of the story. They're often the beginning. They're the check engine light that I've often offered you. They are the opportunity for you to see yourself more clearly. Take a moment this week, stay present with your emotions, and Use that as an opportunity to get more clear about why your brain is offering you the things that it's offering you.

And if you want a little bit of help with this, set up a consult, go to GetToThrive.com/workwithzach. I would love to chat with you. All right, my friends, thank you so much for listening. Please share this with someone and I will talk to you next week.