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Episode 226

Zach Spafford: Hey, welcome to thrive beyond pornography, where we explore the intricacies of relationships and personal development and help you put porn in the past and create the life and marriage you want. I'm your host, Zach Spafford.

Darcy Spafford: And I'm Darcy.

Zach Spafford: So I promised you over the past couple of podcasts, something in the new year and that we did announce that thing. Today. It's the first day of the year.

I'm excited for you guys, starting on January 17th at 8:30 PM for the next 12 weeks. So for the 12 weeks, from January 17th on we're going to be doing an intensive group coaching program to help you start the new year better than ever before. So go to thrivebeyondpornography.com/group2024.

This is something we only do once a year because we want to make it as accessible as possible and under a thousand dollars. And it's a great way to get started on a thriving life beyond pornography. So if you're someone who's tried other things in the past and haven't gotten the results you're looking for, this is a great place to start the new year and get the skills and tools you need to really put porn behind you. Coaching's an investment in a future that is so much better than the way that you're living right now.

If you're someone who is tight on funds, this is a great way to get the tools you need and work with thrive beyond pornography at a fraction of the cost of individual coaching or couples coaching. This is going to give you the individualized coaching that you need a wonderful community of men who will be going through the same things as you are to support you through this process. This is the same coaching I do with individuals and couples.

With the benefit of being able to see yourself in others, as you learn from their experience and apply the coaching that they receive to your own work. This is for anyone who struggles with pornography 18 and up, you can be single or married men or women. But more than anything, you have to be willing to do the work show up for yourself. And be prepared to get coached.

There are limited spots. So if you're ready to do something completely different than anything you've done in the past with someone who has been in your shoes, who's walked this path and who knows the way to get to the top of the mountain. Don't hesitate to sign up today.

Go to thrivebeyondpornography.com/group2024.

Darcy Spafford: And that is at 8:30 PM. Mountain time, 30 PM. Mountain time. All right.

So when we're talking about relationship goals, it's important to remember. And to recognize that you do not need your spouse to be part of this conversation and willing to do this work in order to set relationship goals. You can set your own goals for your relationship, even if your partner isn't fully bought into the ideas that you believe are important for your relationship to thrive in the coming year and for the years to come.

Zach Spafford: Just a little more context on that idea. There are certainly some who would say, "well, my wife or my husband, isn't willing to change or grow with me. Why should I try? Or if I try, I can't do anything without them."

In the past, we've talked about this concept of differentiation and we'll continue to talk about it all year long and forever, probably.

Let me just give you a quick refresh on what we're talking about. When we talk about differentiation and what we're talking about. When we say you don't have to have your spouse on board to execute and build a new, better relationship.

Differentiation is becoming a much more solid individual. Someone who is solid in the way that they operate someone who's solid in the person that they are. This is not about being right. This is about being someone who is choosing an owning, a choice and a way of operating. So being solid in yourself and also being able to choose closeness with your spouse without. Getting lost in their anxieties without getting lost in there. Hang ups or hold things that are holding them back, being willing to say I'm going to own a new position.

Something that I believe is reasonable and effective in new way to operate. I'm going to own that I'm going to embody that and I'm not going to get lost. But I can also still choose closeness with you. So, this is a really important component of this being able to choose closeness with someone who may have some anxieties about the new way that you're operating. Being able to be solid in yourself as you choose closeness with them, not needing to enfold into them, not needing to give up space so that they feel okay because you're trying to move forward in your relationship.

And I want you to understand that when you are raising the level of your differentiation, your spouse is almost invariably going to follow. Most of us, I want you to recognize this. Most of us are only within about a half a step, to a step of our spouse in our level of differentiation, as it stands, that's really the way that it operates is really difficult for people who are vastly different in the way that they are differentiated their solid sense of self to stay in a relationship it's almost impossible.

So understanding that you are not really that much further ahead of your spouse, even if you are making these change is a really good clue into. Not beating up your spouse. If they're not doing the things that you think they ought to do to become more differentiated. This is not a club. This is not something to beat your spouse up over and say, you're not being differentiated, you're getting lost too much. Be clear about empathizing and being able to choose closeness with your spouse as you become more solid in your sense of self.

And they will actually probably do the same thing. They will be like, "oh, I, I need to change my dance. I need to shift it up as well and start to move forward."

Be aware of that, be understanding as you set your goals.

Darcy Spafford: So when we think about the concept of differentiation in a relationship, it's really about finding the balance between your individuality. While also, still being in connection with your spouse. So when we set goals, we want to be able to consider both our partnership and our relationship with our spouse while also considering what it is that we want to work on personally and our own personal growth. So achieving. A healthy level of differentiation. Can really strengthen the foundation of your marriage. Uh, the more solid we are with ourselves, the more easily we are able to be in relationship with someone else.

Yeah.

Zach Spafford: And I think that how does this play out practically is really, I think probably one of the more important questions, because oftentimes if I'm setting goals and I want my spouse to participate, but they're not really keen on it. I have to look at. What it is, I'm trying to accomplish through a totally different lens. When you set a goal that you want to accomplish, you have to look at it through only the lens of what do I have control over. In fact just yesterday. I was taking our youngest son to a birthday party and he was very upset with me that he had, that we had left late and. Was busy in his own mind and out loud, he was kind of. Sniping at me. Listing all the things that should have happened so that he could have been there on time and we would have left on time. As he was doing this. He was also writing out a birthday card for his friend and it was not turning out the way he wanted to.

He was getting...

Darcy Spafford: because he was going to put money in it.

Zach Spafford: Yeah. Well, he was really frustrated with the card and he's like, I'm writing this out and it just not working. And as we drove along, he was fuming and telling me all the things that I should have done to make it so that he wasn't so frustrated and anxious and that he didn't want to arrive late.

And he blamed me for how late we were going to be. And I simply started to talk to him about what he had control over. For instance, he wasn't writing in a way that would make the card look good. He was just kind of. Angry writing. I don't know. I don't know if that's a thing. Angry writing, but that's what it seemed like.

So I said to him, you can keep talking about what didn't happen, the way that you wanted it to happen and become more frustrated by a past that isn't perfect. That has already happened and that you can't change, or you can focus on what you have control over, which is to write the very next letter that you're going to write. You can take complete control over the actions of the next moment. Right now. And you can do your very best to write this card in a way that you can be proud of and pleased with. Or you can keep looking at the things that you don't have any control over all of the past things that have just happened that put us into the car at this moment. That have already happened and that are making you upset.

Darcy Spafford: Love it.

That's awesome.

That story that you just told about our son really illustrates what I think is a really good framework to begin the process of setting your goals for the new year. A lot of us when we're thinking about, okay, what, what is it. What goals do we want to set, especially when we're considering pornography. Oftentimes we think about our spouse and what they did and what went wrong and how we can fix it.

Darcy Spafford: We're oftentimes very externally focused on solving the problem. Instead of asking ourselves, what is it that I have control over when I think about the struggle of pornography in my marriage. What is it that I have control over that I would like to, to change in the new year? Right. Because so often when we're focusing on the things that we don't have control over, we really get stuck in a place where we feel like we can't move forward and we're very dependent. On someone else to, to act and behave in a way that is different so that we can reach our goals.

Zach Spafford: Really what we're trying to do is build a solid foundation on what can I do?

From a perspective of "what can I do?" What questions would you ask someone who's trying to set goals for the new year on their relationship?

Darcy Spafford: I would start with the idea. Is there something that I'm willing to change myself personally, that I see is in the way of how I show up in the relationship that also feeds the dynamic that I don't like. For instance, I know that when I get into more of a victim mode, I'm not a really good advocate for myself and what it takes to make my house run. Right.

Having eight kids. And there's a lot that goes on with that. And a lot of housework that needs to be done. And it's really easy for me to get in that place where I feel. Like victimized by all the people in the house that are not doing what I would consider their Farish. Parishes what I consider their fair share around the house to participate.

Right. So I feel stuck and I don't say anything about how I would like things to change until I reached this boiling point where I get really upset and I explode. I'm sure nobody that you guys never had. Children can relate to that. Right. So one of the key things that I would like to work on this year is being responsible for everything that happens, even when it isn't my fault.

And what I mean by this is I'm the person who can make the changes that got me to where I am right now, regardless of how other people have impacted those results. I'm not the victim. So when I see myself that way, I'm more willing to stand up for myself and what I want and read, negotiate, the ways that I want. Things to be done.

And even if I don't get everything I want, I get to make the choice to accept and own those results.

Zach Spafford: That's really coming, I think from a place where even if life isn't everything you want it to be, at least you act more in line with your values. And when you act more in line with your values, People. Tend to generally feel empowered people. When they're doing what it is that is inline with who they expect themselves to be. They feel good.

They feel empowered. And when people feel good, they do good. I think

Darcy Spafford: And when I'm feeling good. It helps me to show up in the relationship, more fully invested and more committed. To making the change in the growth that I would like to see happen.

This is one of the key issues that I work with the wives on, in coaching. Taking ownership of the reality. Regardless of how it was created,

what you're dealing with in your life. It is what it is. You, you can't change it. It's it's happened and you need to own your choices within that. Just like our son was trying to offload responsibility for how his card was looking and for them being late and all of the things on to Zach.

A lot of wives, including myself, at one time or another, I tried to offload. How I was showing up in the relationship. Because of my husband's behavior. And I think that's totally understandable because. When our spouses look at porn, it is not our fault. we do not cause it, we are not responsible for it. But it's a very disempowered position that relies on someone else to change and behave differently for things to improve. And that impacts your happiness in ways that might not be serving you or helping you show up in their relationship and the way that you would respect. If you took a really honest look at your behavior. This is in no way, negating the work that our spouse's need to do.

This is only us taking ownership of what it is that we do have control. And it helps us to focus on.

How we can show up in the relationship in a way that we respect.

Zach Spafford: Yeah. For men in this conversation for anybody. For men in this conversation and really anybody as you start as you're, as you're starting to create the goals you have for this coming year. One of the things that I think each of us needs to be asking is, " what have I been doing over the past year, or even number of years that hasn't worked and what will I do differently?" I can't tell you how often we have people come to the membership or into private individual or couples coaching that say, "well, I've been doing the 12 step and I've been seeing a therapist and I am talking to my church leader. That's not really changing anything, but I keep doing it because that's what I'm supposed to be doing."

Coaching is something different.

It's not maybe that mainstream, same old stuff that you've been doing all your life. This is different for a few reasons. One is we use evidence-based systems that have been shown in double-blind studies to be effective. Another is we've done the work. How many of you are going to climb a mountain with a guide who has never been to the summit? Not me.

So as you look at your relationship goals over this next year, and you're starting to write them down, you're starting to formulate them. Asking yourself. What have I been doing that hasn't worked? And is there a new, different way of doing things out there that I haven't tried yet? That's something that I'm going to start to reformulate the things that I do.

So a lot of guys they're saying, well, I need to redouble down, or I need to double my efforts in going to the 12 steps or whatever it is. Well, if that's what you're doing and you've been doing that for a number of years and it hasn't been working, there might be a different way of doing things and trying something new might give you the breakthrough that you've been looking for.

Darcy Spafford: I also think it's really important to write down what it is that you want to accomplish.

Right? So oftentimes we, we set goals in our minds and we think about what it is we want to accomplish, but. We're either too scared to write it down because if we write it down, it gets real and somebody might actually be able to read it and see oh, they've got some big goals this year.

Zach Spafford: You'd have to own it. Yeah, you write it down.

You have to own, it has to be real for sure. That's a lot. But I think you're right. I think putting it down on paper, putting it down somewhere. Means that we can refer to it. And it's, it's real. And I think. The next thing you have to do is you definitely have to review it. If Not daily, weekly.

Even feeling free to revise these goals and these targets and everything. Mid mid year, mid month, mid whatever. There's nothing in the world that says you have to write down these goals on January one and those have to be the only goals and that's all. And then, and you know, you'd never have to change them or you're not allowed to change them. Read them execute on them and revise them as you need throughout the year, because you don't have to wait until next year to revise your goals.

You can revise your goals every single time you write them down. Every time you sit down to review them, you can. Revise them, if that's what you need so that you can start to move more closely in the direction that you need to go.

Darcy Spafford: And I think it's a really good idea to discuss. The goals that you do have with your spouse. And have that conversation. And, and be able to share vulnerably what it is that you want to work on this year.

Zach Spafford: When you do that, I think that makes the possibility of this year being the best year for you and your relationship significantly higher. Like it's gonna make your life better. And it'll be work. I promise you it'll be work. It may be something that you have to forge alone for a period, but I can tell you it's so worth it.

So just a quick recap. Ask yourself, what can I change?

What am I willing to change? Which is taking ownership of the reality of your life. Doing this from a differentiated mind frame. "I am moving myself into a more solid position where I can still choose my spouse, if that's what I want to do. And I'm not going to get lost in how it is that things are going for them. But ask. Asking myself and be really clear that this is about me working on what I can change in nobody else. "

That's really important.

Next ask yourself what has worked and what hasn't. And start to experiment with new ways of doing things in your life. Don't do the same old things every year that you've done. Because it's probably not going to work it's it might be time to change something dramatically. Work on that.

See if there's something that you're like, yeah. That's probably not going to work. I've tried it. Six ways to Sunday every year for the last five years. Let's try something else.

Write it down. Write down what you're going to be doing and review it regularly. Daily if possible.

And then share that with someone you trust to hear you and understand you and support you as you go through this.

If you can do those things, as you work to set your goals this year, you're going to be a step ahead.

Also, don't forget to go to thrivebeyondpornography.com/group2024 sign up for group coaching starting in January.

And if you would like to sponsor someone, just reach out to me at Zach at thrive beyond pornography.com and we can set something up. This starts January 17th at 8:30 PM mountain for the next 12 weeks. It's going to be an intensive coaching program. So get ready to get started and get going. And let's make this the best year that you've ever had. All right. My friends we'll talk to you next week.

Darcy Spafford: Bye.